I’ve downloaded and watched a lot of movies lately. It’s sort of a drug for me sometimes. No it’s not addictive but what’s the difference between paying 10 dollars for a joint and 8 dollars for a movie. In the end you’re still paying to be absent from reality for an hour or two. You know that moment when a really good movie ends and you get zapped back to reality and you have a quick evaluation of how menial your own life is? That happens to me all the time. Not just in the cinema but after a long conversation, when I cant sleep, after a fight or when ever there a moment of silence by myself.
Sometimes I do feel like I’m shooting too low from everyone’s expectation. My mum, girlfriend, teachers all expect things that sometimes I can’t deliver. It’s not that i can’t do these things but they just go against my nature. And in a way that makes it even more horrible since I can be what everyone wants me to be if I put in a lot more effort. That means in a way, I’m a bad son, a bad student, a bad boyfriend, a bad person to rely.
I think that s why I’m most comfortable with my close friends. I can come two hours late and they wouldn’t be angry or have an episode and they wouldn’t take it the wrong way. I sort of miss those days when I would walk to Faris’s place and we’d just sit in his kitchen for hours talking about life, or sit on Roy’s stairs and confide in each other’s secrets. Now it seems like everyone has their own cliques. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t guilty myself but yesterday I spent the day with Lala and while talking to her, I realised how bad things have become. Right at this very moment, I don’t even know if I’m anyones best friend anymore.
I guess I just miss being in an environment where I theoretically can’t do no wrong. Back when we all walked the same path but got on different shoes, when we lived in the same building even if we got different views(some Drake for you). Somewhere my flaws are understood and my talents appreciated and complimented. For the entire week, I feel like I’ve been doing nothing but disappoint everyone especially my mum and tonight also my girlfriend.
You know who I miss? Everyone I’ve ever spilled my guts out to or who always puts a smile on my face. Akmal, Faris, Roy, Ainul, Lee, Finah, Christy, Megan, Selina, Miko, Lynz, Ikhwan, Ocy and a multitude of others. If I had one wish right now I would wish all of them in one room together for one night so we can all talk, watch a movie, play cards and spill our hearts out so we can leave feeling like we’re not alone in this world.
Until then, I guess I’ll watch some more movies. I really wanna watch that movie ‘Hanna’ anyway.