Mediocre at best

oh hello, it feels like i haven’t actually blogged in ages. Well, thats a given fact since i haven’t realyyy been blogging.

Well, let me just get some things off my chest..

My studies are shit. It’s funny how the ambitious Fahmii who used to have big dreams and hopes have deteriorated into this, the Fahmii u see now. The person who has raised the white flag to getting a scholarship. Don’t get my wrong i still have my dreams its just my ‘getting there’ plam that’s all fucked up. 2010 really isn’t a good year to be honest and im kinda expecting it to slowly go downhill as the months pass.

I was supposed to take the H1N1 vaccine shot the other day but i guess i chickened out at the end. I’m glad i did tho cos not long after that they suspended operation ‘jab’ (immunising everyone in Brunei) cos it was deemed unsafe and risky. People died because of it damn it. what’re they putting in those things? It’s a little disturbing.

‘take ur vaccine pls’

My mum changed her mind about me transferring, my dad is well, unreliable at best, my studies are mediocre to say the least and im freaking broke all the time.

I’m so broke i make hobo’s seem like middle class citizens. calculating my budget, by the end of march i’d have -180BND. No that wasn’t a typo im actually in the negative. But to be honest in a way this is a little enlightening. I used to think i had a good grasp on the value of money but well i was totally wrong. NOW im starting to see the true value of money. Its so frustrating knowing you owe people money. I once thought that poor people were people who had no money- hobos, minimum wage workers, and such but they’re not really poor. The poor people are the ones living in debt going through life living a life they cannot afford. Now that my friend is poor.

This revelation, as enlightening as it is, is also so very frustrating. Thinking about money? thinking about debt? i feel like such an adult. Don’t get me wrong i hate it. I mean given the fact that i have no security- social, financial and pretty much future security, i’m pretty much forced to take my life by the balls. I’ve gotta think for my future on my own, I’ve gotta manage my money on my own, I’ve gotta plan my whole life ahead of me but that just proves so hard when youre simply 17. im a kid, going through life under the impression of ‘live fast die fun’ and as much as i try to put my life in the right direction, to my dismay it just isn’t working. Im an incompetent adult im not ready for this shit.

Like my mum saying it’s too late and that i should just concentrate on my studies and make the best out of it right now, its simply arrogant sometimes for adults to just think a few motivational words can turn us into straight As students. It’s not that easy and they’re supposed to know that but apparently we keep forgetting that. Even i forget. When i think about my O levels or PMB right now i think they were easier than i thought. That i just needed to study and be motivated but have i forgotten how it was like when i was actually taking the exam? It was hell it was torture.

Why is it AFTER we succeed in climbing a hill, as hard as the climb was, we gradually forget the torture we just went through? It’s funny how that works.

‘you are the only exception baby’

Anyway, on a more lighter note, guess who’s going to Paramore’s concert this 7th march? oh nelleh lemme give you a hint. It’s not Mahatma Ghandi. It’s me! oh damn that’s like 6 days from now! HAYLEY AWAITS ME.



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