Hey you! nerd! Yes you with the coco puffs tshirt and loose granpa glasses. Whats the problem my geeky friend? Wait, i bet i can guess. Either someone just pwned you in a game of maplestory or you have just got shunned by your peers as the biggest loser this side of the Brunei ever since you fell into the crap filled drain during a school assembly after you just won the national Mathathon. Loser.
Listen, its alright. I know youre hungry for a piece of the pie as one of the cool kids and maybe impress the ladies. If only a good friend would explain what it takes to be awesome. Dont worry. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Sometimes cool kids don’t know themselves! And heres something else to write in your journal with the pictures of albert einstien on the cover: you have just as much potential to impress the ladies as that guy in the upper level who likes to smack his guy friends asses as he walks by. If you get it right you might too get to smack some ass in the foreseeable future. (not just guy ass if you’re too blunt to get that)
IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. You could be the cat’s groove right now! And best part is, you wont be a nerd! Theres no denying you’re the complete lower half of the pecking order of the social ladder who gets very little attention at school and less from the opposite sex but at the end of the day, you’re just the same as the lot of ’em. Except they don’t know the value of pi exact to 15 significant figures but hey, aside from that, you have the potential to go from geek to friggin sleek with just the right changes.
SELF-CONFIDENCE is the solution. SELF-CONFIDENCE is also quite handy when trying out for that interview for the job as luke skywalker for that gaming convention you’re so keen on joining. (may the force be with you). So SELF-CONFIDENCE, Nothing forced, nothing illegal, nothing clumsy. Just good ol’ fashioned charm. In other words, SELF-CONFIDENCE. For once in your life be a damn man. Take out your nuts from the jar in the back of your dresser next to your sexy pictures and strap them onto you hairless crotch so we can hit the bricks! Once you discover life as a man, you’ll never unstrap them ever again. So may i suggest us to begin?
1. Your journey begins.
The path to being awesome is all in the presentation. HEY! Pay attention, you deformed hobbit. I know you don’t think you have it in you to be awesome, but even YOU have a core deep inside you with an awesome personality trying to bubble to the surface and scream out “Yo everyone! Look at me! Im effin awesome! Theres more to me than playing rpg games and jasmine green tea and hand lotion!” but how do you find this core and more importantly, sustain it when interacting with people? You must find your SELF-CONFIDENCE before youre ready for the next step. Heres a few tips for you :-
A. START TALKING TO PEOPLE.
Preferably to girls. The hotter the better because if you can talk to hot girls fluently then everyone else will be a snap *snaps fingers*. Plus, she’s hottt!! Which is always a plus in all your peers book. And your mom can finally stop asking the imam for advice on fixing her child’s sexual orientation. High fives all around!
B. ASK GIRLS OUT.
News flash, casanova— girls won’t ask you. It sucks to get rejected, but it sucks more to live with your parents til you’re 30years old with a cool level of negative 999 with nothing to be proud of but a collection of Spice girl’s greatest hits and memorables. Just go out to eat or have fun. Go to a restaurant or a party. Avoid going to the beach however. The beaches here are a dump and look outside, going to the beach is no fun without the sun. So ask a girl out…Get slammed… Ask again… Get slammed again.. Ask a girl out again… Oh look, you got slammed again. It might be a downer but if you’re man enough to get up and ask a girl out again and again, you my friend are a oozing with SELF-CONFIDENCE! And one day the pattern will break and someone will say yes… Eventually, so hang in there! Plus, Not many guys here are man enough to ask girls out so you’re considered a romantic in most cases for doing so. Scoree! Girls like romantics. (NOTE: Dont keep asking the same girl. Trust me, okay? Shes not interested. but someone else is.)
C. CREATE A PERSONA BUT DON’T LIE TO YOURSELF.
People are a psycotic paradox of nature. For example how in foreign clubs, girls like being lied to, as long as they don’t know they’re being lied to. Tell ’em you’re Mat Salleh who’s on a first name basis with the sultan and look at the crowd go! Its a homerun ladies and gentlemen. They don’t mind being lied to as long as you buy the drinks and make them feel goood. I call this the “bad boy syndrome”. I don’t however encourage lying but we can do just as well without it. So if you’re a nerd (which we all know you are), start acting like Mat Salleh. What i mean is this: start thinking about what people want to hear. Then start building your persona around that according to your likes and interest. Don’t go overboard with your persona though because you are NOT Mat Salleh. You can drop maybe one or two roguish “bad boy” elements into your bag of tricks but deep down we all know you still love maplestory and starwars so don’t be something you’re not. People are NOT interested in how you built a model of the enterprise with only toothpicks and glue however. That just screams loser no matter how cool your persona is.
D. LEARN HOW TO BEHAVE.
This is important to get right. You have to forget your nerdy behaviours and start behaving like a normal person if not the awesomest person alive. Be nice to everyone for crying out loud and practice smiling in front of a mirror. Oh and for starters, all that gentleman romantic bullshit they show in the movies? It works with the ladies. Acknowledge her hair, compliment her shoes, ask her where she bought her necklace. She might just have an orgasm right there— thats how important these stuff are to her. And not because she’s a Barbie wannabe. But because they like to know you’re paying attention to them. Remember, shes not a playstation game! You are now interactive, my spectacle friend. Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. If her mouth is moving, open your ears and be prepared to compliment on her eloquence when the movement stops. Guys however are easier to humour. Just try not to sound gay or act like a loser and they’ll start smacking your ass in no time. Unlike most places in the world, talking about sports doesn’t really make you one of the guys. Its not a big topic in this small country of ours. Know how to shred a guitar? Woohoo. Shortcut to acceptance baby! An hour of crappy heartbreak songs and majority will warm up to you just like Madonna in Africa.
E. SAVE UP SOME MONEY, THEN SPEND IT.
Stop that! Stop looking at that videogame like it was a naked lady and get out of that store. You need to start saving up some cash so you’ve got to make some changes to your normal expenses. And when i say normal expenses i mean on videogames, computer magazines, comics and your subscription to countless sexy websites. You will probably need to get a new wardrobe makeover and before you ask, no, your numerous ee equals em cee square tshirts does not “get the ladies freak on!”. Start working on a different style. One you and everyone else can actually agree on. Don’t go dressing yourself as actual cliqùes tho. Noone likes a wannabe skinhead or headbanger but instead just pick out a style and make it your own. People like a person who knows how to dress themselves so stop letting your mum pick your shirts for you. You’ve got ball now! You will also need some going out cash too for food, fun, and hell of a good time!
2. The transition.
All went well? Your new band getting good exposure and you just snatched yourself a supermodel girlfriend? Wow. Any cooler and you’ll be ice, ice baby! Im impressed with your progress my geeky friend…. Wait, since you’re dating a supermodel i humbly take that back.
Now theres one last lesson for me to teach before i dub thè the coolest pickle in the jar.
Now this can bring your game up a notch to a whole different league.
First you’ll need to start growing exceptionally large upper canines. This can be achieved by drinking bat blood or going to an orthodontist and requesting for a canine lenghtening.
Next we need to get you really pale and cold. By now you should be hiding in your dark closet for a month. Don’t worry, the cooler you are, the more you are at peace with yourself and if youre as cool as you act, you’re practically a monk so a month with nothing won’t be much of a problem for you. You should also start talking like you just got jabbed in the throat and is now stuck with a very seductive monotone voice. This next trick is worth gold! When kissing a girl, travel your lips to her neck and start kissing her there. Now lightly scrape your vampire like fangs onto her melting skin and i can assure you, you can’t go wrong now! With this you can turn all of stephanie meyer’s followers to putty. That accounts to 20 million! You are definitely one cool cat now my starwars fanatic!
I know it and you know it and they definitely know it, vampires are the awesomest ever, no doubt about it.