because i cant find it.

These long days i have crunched my head enough to see how laughable love is. Not questioning with disrespect but with curiousity. Hearing all these claims of fruitful loves, sweethearts and meanttobes gives you the illusion that love is easily attainable. What more if youre kids who just grew facial hair hair or breasts. What more if youre kids who grew up alongside disney movies.

“there is only true love that is towards god” advised the imam with the sternest and most confident of impression on his face. You just feel like believing someone so unstained especialy if theyre wearing something as white as the snow on the peak of himalayas alps.

im getting these dejavu thoughts again like i was a kid. The ones that makes me wanna just squirt perfume onto my eyes to blind me temporarily as whenever i open my eyes, all i can see is the staleness and dryness of this world. My senses would go haywire as something as close as my finger would seem like a building a mile away as i find it hard to focus my view on something furthur but then they would seem like theyre closing in on me threatening to make me break out into a claustrophobic attack. Also something as common as pressing the keys on my phone feels like pushing bricks. The songs playing in the background gets blurred out and im left to myself to think.

I close my eyes. I see a picture. A silhouette of a man facing away from us on the edge of a cliff staring out into the vast space in front of him with trees under him as far as the eye can see with a large portion either balding or dead. The shadowy feel of a naked tree not far to the right of him felt cold… but still alive. The backdrop was of a sky grey as though he was watching the sunset that has passed. Stars were especially bright and made the silhouettes with their dark illumination glow out more like taking a picture of a person with the sun shining behind the subject.

What i believe it to show is the furious downfall of mankind. A world where the value of love has been undermined. A world where true love is just something thats gone with the wind.

I feel down. And writing my thoughts down seemed to have helped me get a 360degree view of my thoughts and man.. Reading it back sure made it seem like i belong in the ‘happy’ ward. Sorry for the gloom. I promise itl pass.

Final words,
I wish my parents had love. If it really is attainable that is.

-vuxpyra//

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