I guess you could say I show symptoms for a lot of them. for example

1. I get horrible mood swings and would get depressed by the simplest things,
2. I am usually either very happy or very unhappy and rarely in between,
3. During my high points, I get excessively hyperactive and lose focus,
4. at the same time I would get anxious, my heart would speed up and I’ll start to feel warm,
5. When something goes wrong, and I start to get upset, I will then get upset at everything and everyone especially myself also,
6. I can be very think skinned at one time and then extremely sensitive the next.

Whatever it might be, I’ve sort of grown to deal with my emotions as I grew up by working it out in my head. I mean I don’t particularly suffer from my erratic emotions but they just make things difficult. And even if you notice it in real life (which people rarely do), I’d just go “well yeah, I’m a Gemini” and I guess that does play a major role in this. Geminis are the children of the zodiac, the twins. I’m two sides of the same coin.

Practically speaking though, maybe I really should look into something that’ll mellow me out more. I’m doing fine but sometimes I give myself too much unnecessary stress.

-vuxpyra//

Okay, maybe it’s sort of related in the sense that I’m neglecting everyone around me especially my friends, family (work friends don’t count) and most importantly, myself. I never seem to go to sleep early anymore, I haven’t finished my UCAS, I haven’t emailed MIPR, I missed my first due date last week, i haven’t spent quality time with my family in a very long time and to top it off, I’m spending more money than I can afford to.

I’m supposed to go to KL with the guys for New Year but I’m seriously thinking of skipping it because of the circumstances.

I want to start working hard on volunteering again. I talked to the guy in charge for the Turtle conservation center and we talked about doing turtle watches in Belait and he was all up for it. So now I need to find people who wants to join in the turtle watch and to be honest, fewer people wanted to join than I thought.

Also, a couple of months ago, I emailed CAS (Care and Action for Strays) asking them if they need a volunteer delegating in KB, and I finally got a reply today asking if I’m still interested! I’m very excited for this one.

Then, i really need to start my internship at MIPR, because that’s the one that really matters as it can persuade me whether to pursue a course in Zoology. Sometimes, i feel like quitting work and just concentrate in these things that i can add to my repertoire for university.

Speaking of work, I went to RTB,BSB mid November for a meeting with Mag, the head of Pilihan FM and it was pretty fun. Shes’ giving the KB team a lot of hope for next year. Meaning, there’s gonna be a lot more programmes from KB. i.e our weekly report (which is usually on Saturday noon) is gonna be extended to twice a week on Wednesdays and Saturdays noons! and if the time slot isn’t enough, we can call for a split on the report for noon as well as afternoon around 2.30pm. This wouldn’t be such a big deal to me if on that same day Mag gave me the green light to air my voice on the radio which I did the week after and here’s the best part, the commission we get paid for going live, is going to be raised 200% plus ala ala we get paid twice as much for the same amount of work.

Another highlight is the fact that Royy, is gonna be one of the DJs for Pilihan Goldies starting 4th February. Anyway, I’m going to go live on air again next Saturday for the second time and I really need to get used to it. Last time, i was really nervous and you could tell on the radio.

- vuxpyra//

I have a good job which gives me a lot of freedom, lets me travel around, socialise and also pays quite well, I’m surrounded by positive energy most of the day which helps a lot, i feel quite more independent than i was a few months back, i don’t have to trouble my mum as much, I’m mostly content with what i own, and i’m expected to get a scholarship next year to the UK.

Funny thing is if I’m so happy then why am i blogging?

It’s become apparent that over the past three years, i usually only blog during times of distress or trouble. i.e frequency of posts is inversely proportional to my life satisfaction. However nothing is the matter this time. I don’t get much conversational stimulation anymore and it’s relieving to have my mind picked, even if its by myself.

What with work taking up most of my time, i don’t really have time for anyone else. Everyone keeps asking for me and i feel bad every time i have to ditch them because i’m super tired. I barely have any time for my girlfriend let alone friends i’m not even close with. I especially feel bad for not talking to lee.

We made a promise just about over a year ago back when she just started school that i won’t let her change and we’d still keep talking. But things have sort of change.

I think a little saving grace is Maya from work. We usually just talk work but she has that upbeat you can talk to me about anything aura which feels like a breather. I’m a little impressed how i figured out her zodiac sign simply through her personality. I guess it’s because i read up a lot about aquariis (as well as all my compatible signs)

Which reminds me, A lot of people are leaving RTB KB next year so we’ve been doing a lot of auditions for part time reporters. Deep down i hope we get a Libra on the team or maybe even an aries. Lets just hope.

-vuxpyra//

I think the thing that takes the cake is when someone gets mad at me for something that isn’t my fault. I had to deal with that a lot when my parents got divorced and I really really hate the feeling. I remember back when my parents were about to get divorced, I was playing outside with my little brother and I ended up riding one of those tiny cars for toddlers. my ass was sunk into the seat while my legs were hanging out at the side since my legs were too big to fit into the little hole for the legs. My brother was pushing me around purposely pushing me towards walls and trees. My mum saw from the window and I don’t know if she was having a bad day or something but she got really really angry. something about me being too old and how im childish and other things I prefer not to mention.

It was totally uncalled for and I felt like complete shit. I went into my room, cried and didn’t come out for days. I threw fits whenever I can. In my room I wrote things like ‘unwanted’ and ‘depression’ on my garbage can because that’s where I felt I belonged. I stuck on my wall so many post-its which together reads out all my discontent and hatred I could’ve written a short book. It looked like my walls were peeling off.

i was such an emo kid back then. I’m still quite emotional actually but I’ve learned to suppress my emotions. At least to the best I can. I’m only human.

-vuxpyra//

If it was because I didn’t study enough, or didn’t ask enough questions or didn’t allocate enough time, I deserved whatever I get. Four times I took the exam from June 2009 to June 2011 and I didn’t give up all that time. But just because you have the determination of an ox doesn’t mean you have the will of one. Each exam broke my spirit bit by bit and even though I was determined to keep going doesn’t mean I wasn’t sick and tired of it. But it did sort of make me stronger. I learnt to be a better person each time i got the dreaded result SMS. Yes, I might be a little stubborn at times especially in the studying part but I try to pay my dues by correcting myself.

This time around, I learnt that sometimes even if I feel like giving up, I owe it to myself to try again. I might grow a little bitter and sad with failure but that simply adds to the sweet victory once I get what I work hard for. I don’t really know what to do now but I’ll leave that for tomorrow. Tonight I’m going to sleep feeling self-satisfied finally.

-vuxpyra//

Name: Mohammad Fahmi Suwadi bin Hj Mohd. Yusof

Index no: BN305/5030

Biology/A

Chemistry/B

Geography/D

My plan paid off.

Taking only A2 exam paid off.

Not going to UBD paid off.

Losing my mind studying paid off.

Neglecting everyone for a couple of months paid off.

I know to a lot of people, ABD isn’t THAT amazing but I’m impressed with myself and that’s all that matters. I had 240 points for last year November and that wasn’t enough for me to get a scholarship. Now i overshot my 260 point goal and I got 280 points instead to my delight. I’m gonna go see my breakdown on Thursday! Very excited. For all I know, my bio could be an A* and i might actually have 300 points, enough to study veterinary science. well that’s hoping a little too much. I’m grateful already, alhamdulillah.

-vuxpyra//

My new SDHC arrived and Its great. I totally needed a portable media. Especially since my External HDD stopped working earlier this year. I guess thanks would go to Kingston for pretty much giving it to me for free(plus shipping) just for saying hi.

So I’ve been thinking about some of my plans for my immediate future. Do i still want to study zoology? yes. will i get to? considerable chance i won’t. Do i still want to study abroad? yes. Will i get to? probably in due time. I don’t really have much of a plan B up my sleeve and my recent philosophy of ‘just chilling the fuck out things will work out’ haven’t been faring so well for me. Maybe i should just skip it all and just buy myself a boat, talk with an overly Australian accent and wrangle crocs for a living.

Probably watch where i go swimming

I guess i should really think about what i’m gonna do in the coming year. This year is gonna come to an end soon and my results are about to be released in the coming few weeks.

-vuxpyra//

I’m gonna start work orientation tomorrow at RTB. Seems like I’m a shoo-in for the position but I’m not going to get my hopes too high. For those of you that don’t know I will hopefully be joining the PilihanFM crew collecting news around KB. It’s got to be better than what I’m doing now i.e. nothing.

Oh, today I won something!

I joined the Kingston community like two years ago after reading this post by StarboyKB where he received a free gift just for actively participating in the forum. Well two years has passed since I registered (and forgot about my account) and I got an email of a competition two nights ago where you just say hi and name your favorite kingston product and you might win a prize. I joined not expecting to win but this morning, what do you know, I received that email saying I won and a follow-up saying i’ll receive it within 30 days free of charge.

For someone who rarely wins stuff, this kind of feels like a big deal. This may mean my luck is starting to turn from now on who knows. I just hope my luck lasts at least until my results come out. To be honest I don’t really have a use for the memory card. What I really need now is one of those stupid proprietary memory stick by Sony for my handycam and PSP (holla if you wanna trade)

Anyway, to summarise, new job, won a prize, thought Transformers 3 sucked, thought HP7 ruled and is broke as hell. So long people.

-vuxpyra//

Sometimes I do feel like I’m shooting too low from everyone’s expectation. My mum, girlfriend, teachers all expect things that sometimes I can’t deliver. It’s not that i can’t do these things but they just go against my nature. And in a way that makes it even more horrible since I can be what everyone wants me to be if I put in a lot more effort. That means in a way, I’m a bad son, a bad student, a bad boyfriend, a bad person to rely.

I think that s why I’m most comfortable with my close friends. I can come two hours late and they wouldn’t be angry or have an episode and they wouldn’t take it the wrong way. I sort of miss those days when I would walk to Faris’s place and we’d just sit in his kitchen for hours talking about life, or sit on Roy’s stairs and confide in each other’s secrets. Now it seems like everyone has their own cliques. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t guilty myself but yesterday I spent the day with Lala and while talking to her, I realised how bad things have become. Right at this very moment, I don’t even know if I’m anyones best friend anymore.

I guess I just miss being in an environment where I theoretically can’t do no wrong. Back when we all walked the same path but got on different shoes, when we lived in the same building even if we got different views(some Drake for you). Somewhere my flaws are understood and my talents appreciated and complimented. For the entire week, I feel like I’ve been doing nothing but disappoint everyone especially my mum and tonight also my girlfriend.

You know who I miss? Everyone I’ve ever spilled my guts out to or who always puts a smile on my face. Akmal, Faris, Roy, Ainul, Lee, Finah, Christy, Megan, Selina, Miko, Lynz, Ikhwan, Ocy and a multitude of others. If I had one wish right now I would wish all of them in one room together for one night so we can all talk, watch a movie, play cards and spill our hearts out so we can leave feeling like we’re not alone in this world.

Until then, I guess I’ll watch some more movies. I really wanna watch that movie ‘Hanna’ anyway.

-vuxpyra//

-vuxpyra//